I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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