I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
