Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
