i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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