hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
