I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
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