one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
