if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
