dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
