u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
