He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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