I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
