when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
