before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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