If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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