Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
