BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
