if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
People with herpes should wear stickers.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
