And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just took my morning after pill in the library
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
