Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
