Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
