when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You need a sexual gate keeper
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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