The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
