the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I feel like a drive thru vagina
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
