I showed him my bush... on skype.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
