It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
