he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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