i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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