So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
