you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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