260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
