last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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