im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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