I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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