what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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