I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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