i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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