I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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