3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
it's like iHOP with fire
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
