You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
