Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
