Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
