Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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