You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
