Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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