the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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