they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
