wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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