I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
