i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
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